The Poltergeist of Burger King Store #0112 (Humor Piece)

Old Man Copperfield slowly rocks back and forth on his front porch, the wood of the rocker wheezing with age. He pulls a weathered pipe out of his shirt pocket and strikes a match on the arm of his chair. He lights the cherry scented tobacco, crosses his legs, and settles in. Sammy Jetpack, the new young upstart editor of the town paper, sits to his right, tensing as he tries to keep still as his chair legs wobble on the uneven planks of the porch. He can feel the cracked leather digging into his back as he waits for the old man to speak. 

After what seems to be an hour of heavy silence, Sammy leans towards the Old Man, encouraging him to get started, already. The Old Man clears his throat and locks his eyes on the horizon ahead of him.

He speaks. “Sometimes ruined petunias are worse than death.”

Sammy cocks his head, confused. “I’m… I’m sorry, sir? What do you mean–”

The Old Man keeps going. “The Burger King Poltergeist was a cranky sonofabitch in those days. He would make the flames explode, ooze would leak in between the floor tiles, and they never could get rid of the odor of death coming from the bathroom. People accepted it as something that would never change. They ate their burnt Whoppers and learned to ignore the shrieks coming from the walls every time someone asked for no mayo.”, he said.

Copperfield puffs on his pipe. Sammy scribbles as fast as he can in his notebook, scared to miss a single word. Through the smoke, Copperfield continues. “That is, until Father Ignatius did something about it. He was fired from the Prison down on Highway 11 after that boy who was burning down corn silos died under suspicious circumstances. Some said it was a failed exorcism. But no one really minded. We all hated that kid. Jakey was his name. That little bastard drove through my Petunias. Silos can be rebuilt, but when you mess with a man’s prized Petunias, you deserve the worst.”

Sammy stops writing. He asks, “Petunias, Sir? How… How are ruined Petunias worse than–”

“Well, maybe it’s not the worst,” Copperfield barrels through Sammy’s stuttered questions. “But if you are willing to destroy something that gives joy, your soul is already dead.”

He thinks for a minute. “Also, he killed a man. That’s the worst you can do. After he killed that man over stealing his girlfriend, the little shit drove through my flowers trying to get away from the sheriff. That was the last straw.”

Sammy raises his eyebrows, but stays silent, and writes. Copperfield coughs and taps out his pipe, placing it back in his pocket. “Where was I? Ah, yes. When Jakey died in that prison, the Father was tossed out on his holier-than-thou ass. Found himself in need of a job. After he proved that he could never be a cashier down at the Piggly Wiggly, the town fathers got together and thought that it couldn’t hurt to have him check out our little problem at the Burger King.”

The Old Man chuckles. “A poltergeist is already dead and angry. There’s nothing the Father could do to make it worse.” 

 “You could… make it more angry? That comes with risks, right?” Sammy replies. The Old Man grunts. “Sure you can. But you know that old saying, ‘You can trick a cat into crying, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to go to college.” He ignores Sammy’s flabbergasted expression. “Father Ignatius jumped at the chance. And you know what we found out? He was a pretty bad priest, and a so-so cashier, but he is gangbusters at chasing a poltergeist out of a hamburger restaurant.”

“But how?...”

“Afterwards, the town fathers were relieved. And the Burger King put fries back on the menu. All was calm in the town of Bethlehem. That is, until Lil Cathy. You know, Heathcliff and Cathy’s daughter.”, the Old man said. Sammy’s face lights up. Finally, something sounds familiar to him. “Cathy. The baby with the portrait in the Burger King’s lobby?”

“The very same. Big Cathy had sold a piece of her soul some years back. Once she fell pregnant, the Forces of Darkness came calling to collect. That silly woman ignored all of their emails and sent their calls to voicemail. Made those demons so mad that they sent the poltergeist back to the Burger King the same day that she got promoted to Mayonnaise. And of course you know what happened after that.”

Sammy replies, frustrated, “No, I don’t know. Mr. Copperfield…”

Old Man Copperfield suddenly stands, rubbing his hip as his bones crack in protest. “If you’ll excuse me, it’s time to feed Umberto.” Sammy stands up as well, “I didn’t know you had any children, Mr. Copperfield. If you need to tend to your family…”.

The Old Man stares at him. “Kids? No. NO. You know what kids do? They bring poltergeists. Umberto is my sourdough starter. Won’t be but a minute”. He disappears inside. Sammy reviews his notes, sighing when he realizes that they make even less sense than when he heard them out of the Old Man’s mouth. 

The Old Man comes back out to the porch, wiping at the flour spilled down his shirt front. He lights his pipe again and stares out at the fields. Sammy sits still as well, listening to the cicadas singing. Copperfield clears his throat. “Big Cathy was almost dragged to hell, right there in the Burger King. Somehow, the broiler has always been a backup portal. But she was saved!” 

“What happened?” Sammy asked. Copperfield laughs. “Heathcliff heard what was happening and rushed over with Lil Cathy. The demons see the baby, and — well, seeing demons gushing over a baby is a bit terrifying, but also heartwarming. All Lil Cathy had to do was grab the Big One’s finger in her little fist, and his fires - They were always on fire - went out. They were completely charmed and forgave Big Cathy’s soul debt on the spot. They disappeared into the broiler, and the lights flickered, and then all was normal. Lil Cathy was hailed as a hero, and a painting of her was commissioned by the town fathers. Now, there was a little hiccup, since no one knows how to paint a portrait of a baby that didn’t look like a baby goat. So they got one of those photo blankets done at the Walmart and framed that.”

Copperfield puffs cherry-scented smoke as Sammy writes all of this down. Sammy looks up at Copperfield. “This is all very interesting, Sir, but I was hoping that you could answer my original question?”

Copperfield stares at Sammy, confused. “What question was that, Son?”

Sammy stares back. “Can you tell me how to get back to the freeway?”.